The Panic

There is nothing I can say that describes the panic I feel when I binge on something and it doesn't come up. Obviously, the number of times a day I binge a day, this is going to happen at some stage. WHich it does. Some days, it happens with each binge, and some days just once. It's very difficult to get it to come up sometimes. It makes me feel sick with worry and panic knowing that that food is in my body and I feel physically unwell with panic and fear about the consequences and how fat I'm going to get. When I think about it, my binges are probably only about twice to three times the size of a normal meal, and my eyes are far bigger than my stomach is. I don't even eat that much before I have to go get rid of it...

I shouldn't be writing this. actually, it might give people ideas if they read and and there's nothing I can say that describes the panic I feel thinking that someone might thing I am 'pro-ana' or 'pro-mia'. I HATE that shit. It is disgusting. The girls that set up those websites don't have eating disorders, they have a death wish and they are sick in the head far greater than anyone I've ever seen in all those hospitals. They don't even have eating disorders or have the problems and histories that most people with eating disorders have. They prey on people with genuine problems and it's not even immoral, it's amoral.

One of the sickest ones I ever read on one of those sites amongst a whole big long list of tips and hints for losing weight and hiding the eating disorder, was one that suggested putting money in a piggy bank every time you felt hungry and didn't eat, and then use that money to buy a smaller pair of jeans. How fucked up is that. In theory, for someone really overweight who have real weight problems (which by the way is the same as anorexia, the same feelings are there and there is a lot of similarities in the relationship with food, which not a lot of people know as it happens) and were trying to get in to smaller jeans, then it's actually a really good idea, fair play to them, a reward. But for an anorexic, it's just one step closer to death and life - long health problems, and that to me is just fucking disgusting.

Do you seriously want to end up looking like that? Please GOD tell me no. I have great fears for anyone who ever wanted to look like that. I'll be totally honest, and this is hard for me to admit to, but that is a picture of me. And that wasn't at my worst either. I'm sorry for putting that there, but this is the truth and it has to come out. I am NOT proud of this. At all. I admit though, I used to be. Losing weight was like ecstasy, and I was addicted to it. But there's nothing to be proud of here. There never was. I used to get a sick sense of pride when I skipped a meal or made it smaller, and felt a thrill when the scales went down. I used to feel superior when other's ate and I didn't, and something else I used to do, was feed other people. I used to make meals laiden with fat and calories and then watch them eat it, feeling so proud when I wasn't eating it. I'm not proud of it, but I know this is quite common in people with anorexia.

Being back at college is helping things a lot. There is nothing I can say to describe the panic I feel when I think about how much work I have to do this semester and how badly I'm going to do. What if I can't keep up? What if I fail? I'm a fraud, and I don't belong on this course, and I shouldn't be allowed because as usual, I'm not good enough. I've never felt good enough for anything in my whole life, and this is no exception. 

Just looking at this quote above, and it seems like that was a good one to put there. I DO confine myself to things. and I set the bar so high that it's impossible ever to reach them. So my walls are infinite and unreachable, so I'm permanently trapped by my stupid walls. Will I smash them down and make new ones, closer to home, where I can stay safe in a bubble and not fail. But then I'm still trapped in a box, and that wouldn't work. How do I let people in? How do I get out and meet people and have a life beyond food and exercise? I need to know there is more out there. I need to know people want to be my friend and love me for the real Pippa that I am, I have to believe that there's more to life and that people in college want to talk to me. I hope they do. I feel like an outcast because I'm a bit older. 

Still though, I love college. I have a non - zero day every day without even trying and that's awesome. It makes me feel so so good, and I love having a purpose in life. Something to work towards, a career, a future and a life. A life full of positive things and great work. I just hope I can step up and be the best that I can be, while at the same time being 'average' and being OKAY with being just okay, and not perfect. Cos let's face it, none of us are. Everyone is different and thank God for that.