A
truly terrible tragedy happened today. Brain Gubbins, a truly wonderful guy on
my course, a gifted writer and true friend, has had his life tragically
snatched away. He was a great man, loved hurling and always had a smile on his
face, which lit up the rest of the room on an otherwise dull Tuesday afternoon
when we had two hours of class ahead of us. He went missing after a mystery
tour on Thursday night and failed to make the bus home that night. At first we
thought it was funny and laughed it off, saying “Only Brian would do that!” and
we weren’t worried. When nobody had heard from him by Friday afternoon and he
wasn’t answering his phone, we began to worry more than just a bit.
One
of the guys in my course lives in Galway and he decided that by 12p.m. on
Friday night he should go to the guards about it. A search was launched and his
family were contacted through Facebook. We were contacting people left, right
and centre to try and find out what the hell happened, if anyone saw him leave
the club, etc. Nothing. We had the CCTV at the club checked and contacted the
bus company. Nothing.
A
bus was arranged to go to Galway for the search that began at 9a.m. this
morning. At ten thirty, his body was found in the river. My friend Michaela
rang me about midday and broke the news. Heartbroken and deeply saddened does
not cover how we are all feeling. It’s a terrible tragedy and he will be sorely
missed by us all. My heart goes out to his poor family and everyone who knew
him. Just starting out on adult life and it has been cruelly snatched away. It’s
just awful and I can’t stop thinking about him.
Puts
things in perspective, big time. When things go wrong, the first thing I do or
think is “I want to binge” even something stupid like having a fight with my
mam or boyfriend. It’s like my way of escaping. When I heard about Brian, the
first thing I did was have a binge to escape the sadness I was feeling inside. Like
I said, it’s my go to response when something goes wrong. So I had a
motherfucker of a binge and afterwards felt not just empty of food, but even
emptier than I felt before.
But
it just makes you think, like seriously why are all these girls, including me,
worrying about weight and food and losing weight and low – calorie shit when
there are people dying right in front of us and all around us? It makes it seem
so pathetic and trivial. I can’t believe that this time yesterday I was
freaking out that I hadn’t done my usual four and a half hours walking but only
three, when poor Brian’s family were wondering whether they’d ever see him again.
How fucking selfish does that make me?
Like
seriously, what the fuck does weight and food and exercise and calories really
matter? It doesn’t. What matters is having a support network and having friends
and people who care about us and who love us for who we are. We have each other
at the end of the day and that’s all that matters. We need that, we need each
other. Please, don’t ever leave me, I’m so scared all the time and I don’t want
to be left alone. People out there, stay with me through this time in my life
and be there for the good and the bad. I’m worried having this eating disorder
will make me lose even more friends because of it and I don’t want to be left
with no – one.
For
now, let me sign off by saying this: rest in peace Brian. I will do things
differently for your memory, even if you didn’t even know I had this problem. I’m
doing it for you, as a mark of respect for your memory. You will be missed, and
I pray that God is looking after you, and that you will look down on the rest
of us mourning your loss. Rest peacefully now, you deserve that.
