The Perspective

A truly terrible tragedy happened today. Brain Gubbins, a truly wonderful guy on my course, a gifted writer and true friend, has had his life tragically snatched away. He was a great man, loved hurling and always had a smile on his face, which lit up the rest of the room on an otherwise dull Tuesday afternoon when we had two hours of class ahead of us. He went missing after a mystery tour on Thursday night and failed to make the bus home that night. At first we thought it was funny and laughed it off, saying “Only Brian would do that!” and we weren’t worried. When nobody had heard from him by Friday afternoon and he wasn’t answering his phone, we began to worry more than just a bit.

One of the guys in my course lives in Galway and he decided that by 12p.m. on Friday night he should go to the guards about it. A search was launched and his family were contacted through Facebook. We were contacting people left, right and centre to try and find out what the hell happened, if anyone saw him leave the club, etc. Nothing. We had the CCTV at the club checked and contacted the bus company. Nothing.

A bus was arranged to go to Galway for the search that began at 9a.m. this morning. At ten thirty, his body was found in the river. My friend Michaela rang me about midday and broke the news. Heartbroken and deeply saddened does not cover how we are all feeling. It’s a terrible tragedy and he will be sorely missed by us all. My heart goes out to his poor family and everyone who knew him. Just starting out on adult life and it has been cruelly snatched away. It’s just awful and I can’t stop thinking about him.

Puts things in perspective, big time. When things go wrong, the first thing I do or think is “I want to binge” even something stupid like having a fight with my mam or boyfriend. It’s like my way of escaping. When I heard about Brian, the first thing I did was have a binge to escape the sadness I was feeling inside. Like I said, it’s my go to response when something goes wrong. So I had a motherfucker of a binge and afterwards felt not just empty of food, but even emptier than I felt before.

But it just makes you think, like seriously why are all these girls, including me, worrying about weight and food and losing weight and low – calorie shit when there are people dying right in front of us and all around us? It makes it seem so pathetic and trivial. I can’t believe that this time yesterday I was freaking out that I hadn’t done my usual four and a half hours walking but only three, when poor Brian’s family were wondering whether they’d ever see him again. How fucking selfish does that make me?

Like seriously, what the fuck does weight and food and exercise and calories really matter? It doesn’t. What matters is having a support network and having friends and people who care about us and who love us for who we are. We have each other at the end of the day and that’s all that matters. We need that, we need each other. Please, don’t ever leave me, I’m so scared all the time and I don’t want to be left alone. People out there, stay with me through this time in my life and be there for the good and the bad. I’m worried having this eating disorder will make me lose even more friends because of it and I don’t want to be left with no – one.

For now, let me sign off by saying this: rest in peace Brian. I will do things differently for your memory, even if you didn’t even know I had this problem. I’m doing it for you, as a mark of respect for your memory. You will be missed, and I pray that God is looking after you, and that you will look down on the rest of us mourning your loss. Rest peacefully now, you deserve that.