The Fuel

Yesterday was the 12th anniversary of the 7/7 bombings in London, 2005. Although it took a full seven days to find and identify her, we lost someone that day. Emily, my first cousin. She was 24 years old. I don't really want to talk about it but I wanted to acknowledge it because she meant a lot, and she is never forgotten. I just wanted to start my post with this today because I have a very heavy feeling in my chest thinking about it, and I didn't acknowledge it yesterday, on the day, because there was a lot going on. It's not that I forgot, I think of her most days, but I didn't realise the date. And now I feel really guilty about that which is definitely adding to the feeling in my chest. Going out tonight, in her honour. I will drink to her memory. Emily, we loved you. What a God damn fucking waste. 

I had somewhat of an encounter last night, almost immediately after putting up my last post. It left me literally shaking with anger and disbelief. I had to get out of the house, so I went to find Kegan where I knew he would be and we had a drink together and we talked it through as he calmed me down. Kegan really is a wonderful person and he knows me, and my emotions, very well. He knew exactly what to say to help me through the situation. He always does. I wish I was half the partner he is to me, because he can literally gauge exactly what he needs to say or how to act to make me feel better. Like the other day - when I was watering Aine's plants, and the hose broke and I panicked and completely overreacted and rang him bawling crying. The first thing he said was "Shut the fuck up and stop crying" which worked. Then he said Pippa it's ok, relax, we can sort this, nd then he calmly talked me through fixing the hose. Which I did. He wasn't angry and he didn't get cross with me - no, telling me to shut the fuck up was not cross, it was his way of shocking me out of my hysterical state, and it worked. He must be getting used to my bullshit because he knows what to do whatever the situation. Yesterday, he proved his love and attentive nature yet again. And he gave me a good idea too, hence the reason for this post. 

What happened was this: I wrote an in - depth post about the general struggles of living with an eating disorder. I aim for complete honesty, and I do not sugar-coat the information or make it look pretty. Why? Because it's NOT pretty and people need to know this. I am not in denial, though I will acknowledge that I certainly used to be. Others, however, live in the pretense that things are okay when they are far from it. I know when I am in trouble and I address it and try to solve it. Which is why I am so fervently writing my blog at the moment, because it is my space to get everything out there and as a result, try to process it. And it works. It's like a way of getting to know yourself, and get to understand the reasons why you do things the way you do. 

Other people, who I would love to name and shame but won't, live in denial. This person I am talking about was in hospital with me when I was 18. She was 23 at the time and she is 34 now. Her anorexia was very advanced, far more than mine was (at the time, I have since become equally as unwell and close to death) and basically I hated her. We, as normal people, did not get on, and forced together in a hospital environment we clashed many times. She did not want to be there and she tried her hardest in every single way to fight the system and stay ill. Meanwhile I was trying to get better. I picked up a lot of bad habits from her and to this day some of them are still habits. 

For example... when I get anxious or restless, I wriggle. Just move my feet and legs a lot. I got this from her. She used to do this, in a fruitless attempt to burn off the calories they were feeding her, and it. drove. me. fucking. nuts. Even the nurses used to (I swear) HOLD her legs to try and stop her doing it, but she still did. I used to get really upset about it and once stormed out of the room in protest, which resulted in me being punished, making the situation even worse. We never got on, mainly because she never had any intention of getting better, and to this day she still remains as anorexic as ever. I will never forget some of the things she said and did to me in the ten months I lived with her in hospital. I will forgive them though, because that is the right thing to do. In forgiving, we set ourselves free. I will not be tied to her in any way. So I forgive and let it go. 

However, her actions yesterday did not exactly appeal to my forgiving nature. After I put up my post yesterday, I recieved a comment from her. It simply said "You should put trigger warnings on these", which instantly gave me a sense of foreboding. I just said "What?" to see if she would explain exactly what she meant. She did. She said that she never would have read the post had she known what it said and that she felt it would give her bad thoughts, or mess with her head. This pissed me off, so I just said "Well then don't read it. Problem solved". What I wanted to say was "Nobody fucking asked you" but I didn't. Anyway then she said that she had read it and that she was trying to recover and didn't want to read about how I didn't take my Ensures "like it was some kind of badge of honour" BADGE OF HONOUR????? It CLEARLY said that I hated admitting it and I wasn't proud of it. I wrote that feeling very and deeply ashamed of it, did she forget to read this bit?? 

People like this are poison. Let me explain. Anorexia is a very competitive illness, and many people who suffer from it have what is known as an 'Anorexia rival', someone who they compare themselves to and aspire to look like. In a hospital environment, this is dangerous. In a ward full of people trying to lose weight and nearly killing themselves in to process, the thinnest person is the envy of the rest. Not many people with anroexia will admit to the jealous and competitive nature of the illness but it is there. Oh, by God, it is there. If one of us refused a meal, we all did. 'Why should I eat if she doesn't?' if that helps explain it. Many girls, particularly younger sufferers, may have a file of people they wish they looked like. This is why Photoshop and airbrushing is considered so dangerous, it gives vulnerable girls the wrong idea about what women should really look like. I have very clear recollections of weeping over a copy of cosmopolitan magazine at two o'clock in the morning, contemplating cutting flesh away from my stomach and thighs with a knife. At the age of fourteen. I am sure I am not alone in this, even if it sounds impossible to comprehend. I am not lying. 

Anyway, this girl obviously read my post and thought, hey, let's shit stir a bit, because she thinks I never took my Ensure while I was in hospital with her (Which actually, I DID, I was talking about later years, many years later) and basically, she got jealous. This girl, the girl who threw glasses of Ensure at the nurses, decided that I was "wearing a badge of honour" by stating the fact that I did not drink my Ensures. SERIOUSLY WHAT THE FUCK. What the bloody fuck gives anybody the right to come and shit all over the ONE thing that is actually keeping me sane at the moment and have the audacity to say that I am proud of something which I USED to do, i.e. DON'T DO ANYMORE and that I clearly said I am not proud of it. Someone with issues does that. Someone who is still ill because they're still looking for a rival, someone in denial of their own problems. 

This same girl went on television not too long ago to talk about eating disorders. I have written out talks to give to students in schools about anorexia and bulimia, because I feel very strongly that there is not enough information out there for girls (and boys) and as a result people suffer in silence. The lack of understanding about eating disorders is astounding, and much of it is shrouded in secrecy, and hushed up. This breaks my heart. I went to my old school to ask if they would be willing to take me on as a guest speaker, and then wrote a talk. They agreed but then said they had enough speakers that year but I am not done. I will tour Ireland if that's what it takes. BUT. Not unless I am a normal weight like I am at the moment. Because of the competitive nature of the illness. What kind of message does it send to vulnerable girls obsessed with body image if someone very underweight stands before them and tells them to eat. The wrong message. It's unbelievably hypocritical and I feel very very strongly about this. I would never ever go on television or tour schools talking about eating disorders if I was not in a good place myself. It's a disgrace that she was allowed to at her weight. Now to be fair to her, she spoke quite coherently but there was nothing to her, and I just feel this sends the wrong message. It's a bit like holding an alcoholic intervention in a pub. I hope this makes sense.

It's been a day or two since this happened now, it's Monday and this shit went down on Friday, so I have calmed down. She deleted me just after writing those comments under my post, so I now feel I can say what I like, she won't see it. Also, I never have to talk to her again. I only did out of politeness anyway really. I try my best, most of the time, to only allow positive influences in my life. This girl is not a positive influence and none of us need that. Everyone has people like that in their lives, but not all of us know how to filter people like this out. Not everyone even realises that certain people ARE a negative influence. I have a few, and I tend to avoid them these days. I learned this the hard way. Negative influences can be disguised as positive ones, particularly when the person in question is manipulative as well. It can be really hard to figure out who those people are in your life, but it can be done:

Step one: Identification. Everyone has a few... and sometimes you know who they are straight away, sometimes you have to think about it. Whatever the case, make a list of people that you think are either causing problems or maybe making you behave in a way that causes problems in life. Either way, those people are the ones who you do not need in your life. The first is easy enough to identify, the second, is more sneaky and manipulative, because it's disguised, because it's you doing the negative acting, not them. But these people are still negative INFLUENCES, because they indirectly cause the behaviour, which means that they are a problem.

Step two: Removal. This is harder. Often, negative people know FULL WELL that they are causing problems in your life, and they are reluctant to get the fuck out of your life. Especially the manipulative ones I mentioned, because they are doing it deliberately. Another reason these people might be harder to delete from your life is because some of your positive influences are also friends with them. So, sometimes you have to lose both, and that's really tough. It makes it a lot harder. Other times though, especially with the really important people in your life, they too, have identified your negative influence. Use this, they can help you get rid of them. The removal process doesn't have to be a complete extermination!! You can just sort of... filter them out, at least, their negative behaviour. You can simply CHOOSE to only accept positive people and positive actions in to your life. This is honestly easier than it sounds and it doesn't mean you have to just shut out the negative people. You can accept the good, and reject the bad... but in your head, that way it's not obvious what you're doing, except to yourself or people who know you intimately. They may not even know you're doing it, but most importantly, you will know. It doesn't make you two-faced, because you're still being honest with the people that actually matter, and you're being honest with yourself and at the end of the day, that's all that matters. 

Have I made ANY sense at all? I wasn't trying to be cryptic, but it's harder to explain when you don't have a good example. I actually _do_ have a really good example, but I don't want to name and shame... I have successfully removed someone from my head without really removing them from my life, not completely anyway... and she doesn't even know. I think the might have even done the same to me. Not bothered. She was manipulative and I am not the only person who has removed her from their lives. She came with a disguise too. A big one. I've watched her worm her way in to the life of a lot of people I care about, pretending to love and care for them, when actually all she was doing was enhancing her own life, with little care for the consequence on their lives. Some people are just like that, and once you know this, you can be on your guard, and either avoid or filter them. Take the good with the bad, that's fine. Just be aware that that's what you're doing. 

Awareness... this is where therapy starts. Question 1, what are you feeling? Identify the feeling, and become aware of it. question 2, where in your body is that feeling? For example, "I feel disappointed", where in your body are you feeling it, "in my chest. My chest is really heavy". When you have identified the what and where, you suddenly seem a lot closer to finding out HOW not to feel bad any more. Or how to embrace the good feeling, it works both ways. Elation... where are you feeling it? Behind my eyes, they're dancing because I feel so good and my chest feels like I've got a balloon in it... Or whatever. Acknowledging that a feeling is there in black and white is half the battle to feeling it again or getting rid of it. From there, pin pointing the reason why you're feeling a certain way is easier because you're focusing on it, and you can then work on fixing it. 

Ok well, we've done all the wheres, whats and whys and hows, so I'm going to publish this because it's now the 13th. I've been writing this one for days. I'm now completely over the bullshit that whatshername put me through because it was nearly a week ago. Hopefully anybody else out there having a tough time who reads this will actually take good advice from it, which after all is why I wrote it. Here's hoping. Also, I hope that the little bit about awareness made sense. Awareness is the first step to a healthy mind and soul. Take note.