The Non - Zero Day

The Non - Zero Day

Those awful words.... 'You've put on weight' which still, after all this time, all these years, translate to me as 'you're fat(ter)' and I hate it. With a passion. It really got to me today, even though I know perfectly well he meant it as a good thing, telling me I looked healthier and better, and even asked me if I felt better and stronger than this time last year. He was genuinely trying to make me feel better. So are all the people who say it. I hate it.

Honestly, it really got to me. Not enough to not go home and eat a chocolate bar and not walk today.Which I am quite proud of myself for doing. The Pippa of last year would have walked an extra hour or two after a comment like that. I walk a lot. Like, a lot... As in, more than four hours a day a lot. But it was cold, and the weather was typically Irish, so I thought, right, screw it, I'm not going to bother. So I cleaned  the house instead. Good job done! Nothing ever gets done on walking days, and if it does, it's all in a rush because there's nothing more important than those pavements pounding or the road ahead.

The only other thing more important is the Binge. Oh yes. I live for it. It's all I think about.I even dream about it. Food is my life. I'm always hungry, because I don't eat enough and that, I think, is how it all started, the hunger thing. Suddenly eat horrific amounts of food and then feel so guilty and get rid of it all? Not any more. I'm just addicted to doing it. And I hate it. But I crave it, really crave it. The anticipation as I prepare it all, the endorphins rushing through me as I taste it all, and the final rush as it all comes back up, that release. I'm throwing up more than just binge food. Far more. All the feelings come out too, the ones I can't get rid of no matter how many times I purge. They may never go away, and I am going to have to find a way of getting them out before this kills me or ends any good thing I have in my life.

I haven't weighed myself for nearly two and a half years. I never will again, as long as I live. I have no idea what I weight and I DON'T CARE. The day I turned 24 I said right that's the end of all this crap. I haven't been in hospital since, and the scales were smashed on the ground. And I never looked back. I came close once or twice, but stopped myself. I made that promise to myself and stuck to it. Ok, I broke all the promises I made about bingeing, every last one, even though I got rid of all the binge food in my flat, just bought it all again. I lasted four days.

I can't even last one now. But I guess I'll give that up when I'm ready, or at least figure out something good to do instead of doing it. On a walking day, I walk as much as possible and fill my morning with as many good things as possible before bingeing because nothing gets done afterwards. Only more walking and more binges. So I leave it as late as possible. I can go to 7 p.m. now that I'm in college, without doing it. Which is a big change. I've got used to that now and can manage. That's a good thing.

Oh yeah, I was talking about turning 24. I'm 26 now and still bingeing. But those scales never found their way back in to my life and they never will. Girls, there's more to life than just a number on a metal box. Nobody knows that number and nobody cares. How dare these people dictate that we should be a certain way?! How dare they! We are who we are, and we are loved for who we are by those who we love back, and that should be all that matters. I wish all this nonsense would just stop.

The question is.... how? How do I stop eleven years of a habit just like that? I've tried cold turkey so many times and it doesn't work. Do I cut out one binge at a time until there's only one left per day? I know I'm going to have to stop once my teeth are fixed. I'll destroy my new ones if I don't. I have to. But... like I said... How??

I should end this blog. It's long and boring. But before I do, I must refer to its title. The non zero day. I read some dude from America's blog and it was all about making the day a non zero day. That is to say. doing something every day that is working towards your future. And it really had an impact on me. Me, I've written this today or at least over the last two day to make it a non zero day. Because this is part of my becoming a journalist. During my month off college, we're supposed to be working on a portfolio and starting a blog. So here it is. Try to make every day a non zero day! It's worth it! Makes you feel so much better about life. My friend is doing the same thing and we're doing it together and comparing notes. Haven't checked in with her today but I'm sure she's done something too. Even if it's two sentences, half an hour walk, or for me, half an hour walk LESS, or eating an extra mouthful, or spending time with a friend (which I did today instead of walking), anything that makes you feel good. Then it's a non zero day. Trust me, it makes you feel good.

Here's to the future! More tomorrow. xxx