The Tuesday

It's been a while.... Sorry about that. BUT!!! I have great things to say and lots to get off my chest and out on paper so here goes...

It's coming up to nine months now, nine rocky but also blissful months, since I stopped being a bulimic. I turned 28 on the 2nd August 2016 and it was a Tuesday. That day, without warning or pre planning, my life changed. It changed for what seems to be forever.

I woke up on my 28th birthday and realised I've been anorexic and bulimic since I was 14 years old, and, with a sickening bang and a sinking feeling in my stomach, I thought about it, and the realisation came about. 14...28... that is HALF my entire life. Fifty fucking percent that I have been immersed in the depths of a seemingly endless nightmare governed by food, exercise, body image and weight control. HALF of it. I felt useless. All around me my friends and family are going up and up in the world, getting degrees, masters, PhDs, married, pregnant, falling in love, traveling, working, getting careers... and what have I done? Not - so - sweet FUCK ALL. What have I been doing all this time? Dieting and puking. Ruining my teeth, destroying friendships, breaking trust, spending thousands on food, only to vomit it all back up in attempt to free my body and mind of calories, fat and pent up emotion. And for what? Honestly, the last 14 years of my life have not achieved  huge amount.

Oh, I know, I've learned a lot, I've met wonderful people, and I too, have fallen in love, traveled and studied... and I don't feel like it's all been for nothing. It has shaped the person I've become now, and if I changed any of it I wouldn't be that person or know the people I love most in my life. So, I don't live a life of regret. These days, I look forward, not back. I don't dwell on yesterday, or last year. The other thing I don't do any more is constantly think about the next thing, worrying about the future or even worrying about what might happen two hours from now. Okay well I do a bit... I don't like being on my own you see. That's a throwback from the way the SECOND I was left on my own I would binge, purge, hurt myself, steal food, hide food or exercise. Both in hospital and out. So I still don't fully trust myself when I'm alone. I don't really like my own company. That's hard. I also hate sitting and doing nothing. I always have to be doing something. I tend not to just sit and BE. But it did used to be a lot worse. I was constantly thinking about the next thing, either plotting wickedness or fretting about it how I was going to get through it. But even after nine solid months of not doing these things, I still fret when I know I'm going to be alone.

Sure, nowadays, I like to have a plan. I like to know what I will be doing at what time, and who I will be with. But I relax the plan, and adjust it depending on how I feel and who I meet along the way throughout my day. I am not nearly so rigid and the direct result of this is that I enjoy the moments a whole lot more. I try not to think ahead too much and just focus on living as I am, where I am, and how I am. This, I have found, is a lot easier. It even works with meals and food. I make what I fancy and when I fancy it. This is so... well, so NORMAL. Most people, come dinner time, go to the shop or go to the fridge and pick out what they feel like eating.  I am much more rigid around food. I like to plan, I like to know a day in advance, so if what I am going to be eating takes a long time to cook or something I can plan an activity for while it cooks....etc. And be home in time so I'm  not late... LATE???? Late for WHAT?! For fuck sake Pippa. I know I still do this. It needs to stop. I do it when I'm exercising too, if I'm ten minutes later than I usually am for one of my walks or something, I feel anxious. I like to do things at the same time each day. Even as I'm writing this I'm thinking, Jesus Christ, WHY, dear God, Why?! Really, what difference does it make.

I have a five year plan. And I have a five minute plan. But I am trying my best not to have too much of a five hour plan or five day plan. Take it as it comes, that's what I'm trying to do. You meet people along the way and you make decisions to do things with other people and that feels great, because people can make or break your whole day. A simple smile from just one person can turn my day completely around. And meeting up with a friend can really boost the day. Even half the day.

Nine months on, sure, things go wrong. I have a tiff with my mum, a plan with a friend falls through... anything can happen. It affects the timing of the day too, and as I have mentioned I find that tough, when something takes far longer than expected and then you're "late" for the rest of the day. I don't have a huge amount of commitments so it really doesn't matter what time I do things. It all gets done in the end, there is always time. So why do I get so anxious? It makes no sense.

Anyway, things go wrong. And it used to be my absolute go - to reaction to go straight to the cooker when I was upset, sad, angry (especially angry), lonely (and that).... bored....pretty much any emotion, sometimes even happy or celebratory, I binged. Without that, when something goes wrong, it is damn near impossible for me to be on my own. I have to call someone or go to my mums house or go and meet Kegan because I might binge. Even though I KNOW I won't, I still fear it. at first, I used to burst in to tears, knowing that I had come this far and I didn't want to do it, but because something had happened I needed to escape it, and the knowledge that even though I wanted so much to do it, i knew I wouldn't. I made up my mind not to do it any more. And when I make up my mind.... Well, let's just say I don't look back. I think he threat will always remain. I spent too long doing it for that to go away.

I'm okay with that. I feel calm about it and I've accepted it. I will always have issues with food, weight, exercise and body image. But I feel I've been let off easy considering how badly ill I allowed myself to become, and for such a long time. I feel grateful for what I've got now and I feel happy about it. (I am actually getting to my point in a roundabout way) The point is, now, when something goes wrong, I no longer get the urge to binge. That's how I know I have beaten my addiction. Because it doesn't enter my head to binge anymore. No matter what emotion I am feeling, I don't think about bingeing and purging. I don't crave it, I don't want to do it. Far from it. The thought of it genuinely makes me feel horrified. And tired. Puking 50 times a day is exhausting you know. And not to mention the money. My weekly shopping trip is now a joy to do. I get everything I need for a week for like, 40 or 50 quid. Instead of a 300 quid shopping bill, every week. And all that butter... I was obsessed with butter. I will never buy it again.

I have many ways, now, of dealing with bad feelings when they arise. I won't bore you all with them now but I will say that smoking helped me a lot. it relaxes me, and makes me feel busy. When I'm on my own and I don't know what to do with myself I chain smoke. Literally 10 in the space of a half hour. And cleaning. I can be by myself if I'm cleaning. For hours. Of course, crafting. Once I get over the first ten to twenty minutes of being alone I can get absorbed in my crafting and I'll be fine. I feel better as well, if someone is there for those first 20 minutes. It's easier also if I know beforehand, preferrably the day before, if I'm going to be alone. Plan accordingly.

There it is, that word again. Plan. Plans keep you safe. They are like a security, But I know I need to learn to live spontaneously a bit more because plans don't come with a happiness promise. So, next time, I will report back as to how that's going.

P.S. I gave up smoking two weeks ago.